Parenting - Remaining connected with Children

Parenting –the process of keeping oneself connected with our own children

“LIGHTEN UP....YOU’LL ALL HAVE MORE FUN, AND A STRONGER RELATIONSHIP” The above is the advice given by Richard Templar in his book “The Rules of Parenting”. I completely agree .With all the pressures and stress of these times, suddenly happiness is moving out of our lives. The latest issue of outlook magazine (Dec 29,’08) features a beautiful cover story “How to be happy in these gloomy times”. Ms Sheela Reddy asking “Are you happy” finds people staring at her as if she has asked “Have you seen God lately ?”. She asks 77yr old, the People’s President Mr A P J Abdul Kalam, the mantras for happiness. Family life , Being taught early in life to overcome problems rather than let them overcome one and Good Books are the first three in the list of five mantras given by him for self.

Hence, let me express my gratefulness to fourteen parents, who could make time to be available for our follow up interactions after the workshop “ Light the Lamp Within” for their children. Lots of insights were obtained, relationships blossomed and happy moments were shared. One of the parents remarked that the interactions helped her in doing away with the curtain drawn between her and her child. Interestingly, the other ninety- six could not make time due to one thing or the other. At least three children apologised on behalf of their parents for their absence. This made me really understand as to how stressed parents are today. However, since their children love them, this should reduce their stress.

I also shared the response of 110 children from their parents to the query “What three things they expect from their parents ?” and expectations given by them are given below-

Love ,Attention and Time top the list and the findings, to my mind, does not mean that they do not get these from their parents but definitely they wish to have more of these in their childhood and specially in teenage, when they are being exposed to number of new perspectives, dilemmas and questions.

On being asked to respond to question “What three sentences they will like to hear from parents? the responses were as given below-

Some sentences they wished to hear were-
1) You are the best /make every child like my child(55)
2) Appreciation/noticing improvements (53)
3) We are proud of you (41)
4) Encouraging/inspiring/keep it up (35)
5) I love you (35)
6) Suggestions for improvement/pointing major mistakes/scolding when needed(20)
7) Things/gifts/allowing junk food, playing computers, cycling(20)
8) Words of guidance(17)
9) Words of happiness(14)
10) About me/acknowledging me (9)
11) Dreams fulfilled by the child (8)
12) Assurance of being with a child/help in fulfilling his dream(3)
13) Believe me / not force me(1)
This clearly indicates that the craving for child to be considered outstanding and appreciated is so predominant. They do want their parents to be proud of themselves and want to be encouraged with strokes of love and guidance. May be today, even parents consider academic achievements as the criterion of success of their children. In the process, the support and nurturing of children, their values and beliefs to attain their potential is diminishing.
What should the children do now in this situation? I will be happy if children are able to convince their parents of necessity of the above and demand from them effective parenting in the interest of building a bond, which will make their parents also happy in times to come. After all, isn’t happiness the ultimate goal of life?

Learning's from Mumbai Seize
All the people of this country, including people like us (who normally do not give more than half an hour on average to TV), spent more than few hours helplessly watching on one hand the drama of terror, cowardice and inertia and slow response of our bureaucrats and politicians to respond and on the other hand the gallant reply by our soldiers and armed forces to unknown might of terrorists and finally the elimination of cold blooded murderers of innocents.
This post is to kindle a fire in the belly of my friends, the children of our country, to learn what to do from the bravery of our heroes and what not to do from those, who failed all of us, mostly the political leadership and administrative machinery.
The moments of fear and agony, which survivors of the tragedy, went through can be only similar to what an innocent lonely child faces in darkness of a moonless night in a jungle full of wild beasts. This generation has a right to demand from our generation as to why we made them see all this.
What can the children do? The least is to pronounce guilty in their hearts, who allowed the terror to reach here unnoticed and also those, who did not respond in time, did not allow our soldiers facilities for much more quicker reply and denied our armed forces the pays and perks at par with those, who sit in cosy ,comfortable air-conditioned offices without ever getting exposed to dangers of loss of life. The children can also discuss formally and informally the situation and decide, what India of their dreams would be. Let it be done fast as already there are many wanting to come to stage now once peace is there to steal the show.

http://lightthelampwithin.blogspot.com

Life of a Teenager

November 11th,2008
Many parents, while discussing with me, have expressed that the parenting role is posing many challenges to them. Many of them have narrated the tales of how teenagers are not the same as they were in their teens.
Working with these teenagers, I have been able to get few insights about them-
-They are having much greater exposure today and so are also more inquisitive.
-They do want explanations and reasonsf or what parents/teachers/elders expect from them and are to be first convinced before making commitments to fulfill these.
-They demand greater freedom in making choices in matters concerning them.
-They seek greater attention and time from parents but only when they wish it.
-They have many interests and want to do many things.
-They have high aspirations and wish to do well in their life.
On the other hand parents exhibit generally (there are always exceptions) the following traits-
-Their expectations from children are very high.
-They wish them to learn on their own or from resources paid for, by them like school, tuitions etc. and .
-They are hard pressed for time because of their own priorities (many motrs hers are working).
-They are financially better off and so provide for many things, which may not be actually needed.
-Their own life is having lot of tension and many times they pass on same to their children.
Schooling has its own constraints-
-The system is based on academic excellence and is based on conformity and obedience.
-The examinations are not for testing learning but for seeing that the children come out with answers in accordance with books and teaching.
-The relevance of the taught subjects for growth, learning and doing well in life is in question.
-The scope for creativity, innovation and discovery is much lesser in the present education system.
Thus there is a need to go deeper into all the above and develop a synergy in all three to prepare children for facing the challenges, which will be posed by life and in the process not lose their own innocence, values and above all happiness.

happy deepawali

दीपक एक जलाना साथी गुमसुम बैठ न जाना साथी!
दीपक एक जलाना साथी!!सघन कालिमा जाल बिछाए
द्वार-देहरी नज़र न आएघर की राह दिखाना साथी!
दीपक एक जलाना साथीघर औ' बाहर लीप-पोतकर
कोने-आंतर झाड़-झूड़करमन का मैल छुड़ाना साथी!
दीपक एक जलाना साथी!!एक हमारा, एक तुम्हारादीप जले,
चमके चौबारामिल-जुल पर्व मनाना साथी!दीपक एक जलाना साथी!!
आ सकता है कोई झोंका क्योंकि हवा को किसने रोका?
दोनों हाथ लगाना साथी!दीपक एक जलाना साथी!

( photograph by Dear Rohit's friend and poem sent by Dear Rakesh Jain)

Examination days are nearing so most of my friends are busy in preparing for doing well in these examinations.Interacting with some of them and feeling their tension, gave me an idea.Why not share on the blog, what I used to do to prepare for these examinations then?Some of the things I used were-

1.Planning not only of time but also coverage of contents in the time allotted.

2.Preparing first the easiest then harder and in the last the hardest.I call it solving the maths paper strategy.

3.Avoiding procrastination and also distractions ( that time it was playing only but now these are TV viewing,chatting,talking on telephone/mobile for long duration and worrying.)

4.Taking help of any thing, which can make one concentrate.I used to listen to music on radio.One has to decide for self.

5.Being focused and not moving from one subject to another now and then.

6.Being happy and having creative tension but not unnecessary brooding and thinking of wasteful, negative and demotivating thoughts.

7.Seeking support and help from a member of family,who trusts one and who is trusted by him/her too.

Now am also looking forward to these examinations being over so that my friends can regularly visit this blog and share their thoughts,experiences,feelings and emotions.

First of all let me be grateful to all those, who touched my life, one way or the other, and helped me on the journey of Lighting the Lamp Within.

Some questions keep stirring me all the while such as “What is my potential? Do I know what all I can do in each area of my life (self, family, work and society)? Am I doing, what I can do best? Am I aware of my strengths, my areas of improvement (not weaknesses; as the thoughts of weakness make me feel more weak), my talents, my capabilities? What and who does inspire me to achieve my best? Have I any role model, who reminds and motivates me to constantly go on and on?


These and many other questions are making me look forward to Life as a challenge and each day as an opportunity to be more aware towards self.

Do you have any more questions to add, which you ask to know yourself better? I will be too happy to know from you and learn such questions as these will enrich me.

I will be more happy if you share with me, not the answers, but, your feelings and emotions in the journey of knowing yourself better. Meanwhile, I will go on my own journey of Life.